Using a public toilet is, at the best of times, not something that’s at the top of my list of things to do. Aside from the smell of stagnant piss, and the dribblings all over the floor in exactly the place where you need to stand, and the bloke next door to you at the urinal who seems to be giving a whole new meaning to the word ‘splashback’, there’s the added complicated fuckery of the button fly.

Who was it that decided that a row of metal buttons, which are invariably almost impossible to do up without looking like a demented break-dancer, was a better, or ‘trendier’, option than a zip?

Why is it virtually impossible now to buy a pair of decent jeans that has the luxury of a good old-fashioned zip? You remember those, don’t you? A simple mechanical device for gaining access to your best friend. No need to undo your belt. Nor your top button. No wierd and wonderful shapes being thrown while trying to disengage button from hole. No pulling your jeans down and exposing your arse in public places.

Just step up to urinal, undo zip, pull out todger and release flow with smile on face. Then shake/knock off drops, quick scowl at Mr Pressure-washer next-door, place todger back inside underpants, do up zip – taking care, lest blood be drawn – then step away. Job done, no-one hurt, dignity intact.

Can someone please tell me what’s so fucking wrong with that?